Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Late Night Reflection

So here's for some late night reflection.

I might just date like a guy. Maybe.
At this time in my life, I'm not ready for commitment and I'm sure it's obvious.
I tend to do things on my terms without really checking to see if the other person is on the same page. I end up just leaving, and with no explanation. This is probably a bad habit. You know how Barney has that template he leaves at girl's houses saying he's a ghost, maybe this is what I do. That's not good. But I'm not going to change how I am in a relationship just to fit my gendered role. There's nothing wrong with dating like a guy. Sure we complain about how guys are jerks and douches for just not being that into us, but honestly, if you aren't that into him either, you'd drop him. So maybe I don't date like a guy, instead I date like how I date, like me. I wouldn't want you to waste my time, so maybe I'm being considerate (for once) and not trying to waste yours.

But the most important person in my life right now is me. Sure that sounds selfish but I've been putting someone else in a higher priority than I had put myself in the past 4 or 5 years. Now it's my turn.

I'm studying like I should and how I wanted to. I have no distractions except for the ones I make myself. There are no other obligations that I have to anyone else. This is an amazing time in my life right now. To put myself first is hard getting used to, but right now, it's pretty eye-opening.

The thing is I still have that old habit of wanting the comfort of someone else. That bond that you create to know that someone is on the other end of the phone, that someone is listening to you when you talk to yourself. I used to crave that but now, even this late there isn't someone on my mind that I would want to call. Does this mean I'm growing into my own? After 21 years I finally am not grasping on to someone else. I can maybe, just maybe, hold my own.

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